My award

Bushiest Beaver
Originally uploaded by robothand

I won!

Motivation

I got a new phone on Christmas Eve. It came with a $50 mail-in rebate. The forms are already filled out for me electronically. I need to do two things to redeem my rebate:

1. cut off proof-of-purchase
2. address envelope

That is all I need to do to get my free money. The easiest fifty dollars I’ll ever make.

The rebate material is sitting in a bag under my bed. Where is the motivation? Think of all the things I could buy with that fifty dollars! That’s fifty items at the dollar store! Or one item at the fifty-dollar store!

I am not motivated to end this sentnece with punctuation

I am not motivated to fix the typo in that last sentence.

I am not motivated to finish this blog pos

Review the World!

Hey, do you guys know Review the World? If not, you should look at Review the World! But look fast, because Review the World is closing its doors in the next few weeks.

I’ve been a fan of the site since I found it among the comments of X-Entertainment.com’s blog a few years back. Since then, I’ve been an avid reader of both the site’s reviews and the owner (Brian)’s blog. Unlike much of the Internet, Brian’s writing is not fraught with sarcasm or ill-will. He is genuinely enthusiastic (or genuinely underwhelmed) with the things he reviews. As such, his site is fresh and fun at all times. It’s not just reviews, either. Brian posted, on occasion, really great short stories and poetry.

Here is the final article from Review the World: Unreleased Reviews Circa 2003.

And here are my five favorite things on Review the World. Click fast, because the site is going down soon!

5. 25 Years of Me: A photo retrospective of the first 25 years of the webmaster’s life. This is probably the best example of Review the World as the perfect hybrid of review content and blog-esque personal reflection. We could all probably stand to do something like this for ourselves.

4. Bra Removal Guidebook: This sounds like something I really need, but it’s actually a piece of the webmaster’s fiction. It’s a short look at first love, loss, inspiration, and moving on. I like it very much.

3. Review the World TV: Halloween. This is probably the best of the edited videos on the site. It features my favorite intro, a review of Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s personal snack treats (FROM BEYOND THE GRAAAAAAAVE!) and a Creepy Crawlers bit with hilarious aftermath. At a hefty 65 minutes, you won’t find yourself hurting for Halloween-related entertainment

2. Jones Soda 2005 Holiday Pack Tasting Party: Another video. Brian wrangles up a bunch of friends to try the most disgusting of sodas. Not only was the Jones Soda 2005 Holiday Pack full of horrific flavors like Smoked Salmon and Broccoli Casserole, but it was expired. The reactions are hilarious, and it seems like this review got a lot of hits on the Internet (and rightfully so).

1. Review the [Walt Disney] World: This is probably cheating, because this actually spans any number of articles, but shut up your face! It all started with massive reviews of both MGM Studios and Animal Kingdom (two of the subparks). A second trip turned up a photo travelogue, and a whole bunch of restaurant reviews (Restaurantosaurus, ABC Commissary, Portobello Yacht Club, Lotus Blossom Cafe). Unlike the previous four entries in this list, I’m not sure if I can point out any specifics or favorite things about these articles–they’re far too sprawling. However, I love Walt Disney World and I love Review the World, so this is the perfect match.

My advice? Go to the archives and read as much as you can. Page through and look for stuff that seems interesting to you. Review the World will live on through a YouTube channel called RTWTV, which I recommend you bookmark.

Why I Don’t Blog

I do not blog because I am boring.

I very rarely do anything with my time. I sit around and play Spider Solitaire. Badly. I listen to my iPod on shuffle. I can count the things I’ve done outside of the house in the year 2007 on my nine fingers, and I can’t count much of anything on the finger that got chopped off in the garbage disposal.

When I’m with my girlfriend, we sit and watch movies. I can’t review movies anymore. Do you know why? Because I like them all. I have no discerning taste. I’d be just as happy watching Walk Hard or Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd over Citizen Kane or The Godfather–perhaps moreso. I’ve done 44 “Movie Review” posts on this blog, many of which actually cover multiple films. Only one of those reviews had something negative to say, and even that really had more to do with kneejerk reactions and personal politics than any measurable quality in the film.

In fact, further research shows that there are maybe only ten worthwhile posts in the history of this blog.

So what to do when you have a blog but can’t blog? Well, I guess you blog anyway. I will write about myself and the things I like, and more importantly (to me and certainly not to you), I’ll do it frequently. That’s my New Years resolution, my grown-up Christmas wish, my Hannukah hope, and my Ramadan dream. My April Fools Day miracle! My July Fools Day treat-sicle.

As far as photography goes, I’m planning on doing the 365 Days Project. I’ll be taking a photo every day and chronicling a year in the life. I read the news today, oh boy. Probably won’t blog on them, but they’ll all go up on my Flickr page.

I am out of words. Good day.

Overheard in Hershey, PA

“I hate fuckin’ tourist season.”

-Grumbling man outside of Hershey’s Chocolate World, where every day is fuckin’ tourist season.

OH GOD I THOUGHT IT WAS NOVERMBA

Merry Christmas, Internet blog!

Probably misses his old glasses

So what has this life wrought since I last regaled you with inane thoughts and banal chatter almost a month ago?

• Internetted Datting–the update! I said I wasn’t going to update on this anymore, but then I met a special la-dy. We’ve been seeing each other for something like a month-and-a-half now, with the hope that there will be many, many more month-and-a-halfs to follow. We’ve been commuting back and forth to each other’s houses every weekend and some weekdays, much to the detriment of my blogging and much to the benefit of the oil companies.
• Derek and Ashley had their baybee Congratulations to both of you. If you read this, Baron Von Trundlebed (which I doubt because you’re busy raising a small child), I would like to shake hands with your son sometime, and I also have a small gift for mommy and daddy.
• I’m planning on starting a rap group called “Brigham Old,” with the first album to be called “Too Brig for Their Bitches.”
• I’ve gone far too long without my big, black emo glasses. If I could choose what my first child would look like, he would look like those glasses. And instead of feeding him, I would wear him on my face. Like glasses. In January, I’ll finally have vision insurance (and dental insurance), and so I’ll be able to get some saucy new glasses.
• Saw a kid on Heelys (correct spelling–I checked) blowing around the mall the other night screaming at the top of his lungs. His parents were completely oblivious. Somebody needs to give that kid a high five…right to his face.

  Seriously. If I ever have a kid, I’m gonna teach him to shut up.

  With duct tape.

  Don’t give me that look! It is like a diaper for words!

Well, now that I’m about to be court-ordered never to set foot near a child again, I guess I should be off. Good day, friends!

Falling from the sky

I went skydiving with my buddy Tim yesterday. It’s taken a lot of saving and a little patience, but it finally happened.

We started out watching a ten-minute video telling us all the people we weren’t allowed to sue if we died, and then we signed waivers getting rid of all of our legal rights. After that, there was about an hour of training.

I’ve never been in a plane before, so I had an interesting first experience. The thing was tiny, probably only suited for the pilot and one passenger. There were five people on the plane total, so we were pretty much a tangled orgy of arms and legs until the first person jumped out. I spent the ride curled up on my knees. There were people with legs on one another’s shoulders. It was pretty nuts. Visibility was low on the plane (we passed through a low strata of clouds) but we could see Harrisburg and we buzzed really close to TMI.

It was five degrees at top altitude, but as cold as I usually am I didn’t notice because there were more pressing issues. For instance, the “10,000 foot jump” doesn’t sound too intimidating. I know what a foot is. A foot is little. But when I heard it stated as “a two-mile drop,” man did I ever get nervous. But the fear itself didn’t hit until the door opened on the plane and people started disappearing from the wing.

Of interest: one of the others in the plane was a seventy-five year old man who has jumped over eighteen-thousand times.

There are two phases to the jump. The first mile is spent in free-fall, which lasts approximately forty seconds. The second mile is spent in “canopy” with the chute open. In canopy, you take the controls and steer the thing and do crazy spins and stuff (until landing time when you are given more specific instructions). If you remember your training, this should all go fairly smoothly.

After you jump off the wing, you completely forget your training in favor of “holy shit i’m falling.” As a result, the first half of my free-fall was spent tumbling like a rag-doll (which was by far my favorite part of the jump) until my tandem instructor knocked my arms and legs into position. We fell back through the clouds, which turned out to be full of sleet. I thought that was pretty cool.

The canopy ride was fun too. If you’re falling on a clear day, you can see Baltimore from central PA (and if you go at night you can see the lights of Inner Harbor). I did lots of spins during the canopy ride, but Tim didn’t get to do as many because he felt a little sick.

My landing was a little rocky because I didn’t “brake”/flare as much as I should have. Meanwhile, Tim landed on his feet.

All-in-all, skydiving is a great time. Money-pending (all the classes, gear, and jumps are expensive), Tim and I will be starting training in the spring so that we can get licensed to jump on our own. After the training, every jump is only fifteen bucks (since you don’t need instructors or rental equipment, you’re just paying for the pilot and the gas).

More pictures are here if you’d like to see them.
Set up your own skydiving trip.

Bloggin’ with my bloggin’ buds

100_1274
Originally uploaded by robothand

From Knocked Up: “Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you? The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. And I can’t even accept that? I don’t think I can accept pure love.“

I’ve made no bones about it that I have become an alarmingly introverted. For the most part, it sickens me to leave the house. This can probably be attributed to some mental problem or something. I don’t know much about mental illness. I’m usually too busy tapping doorframes and pulling out the hair from my head strand-by-strand to research that kind of junk.

So I make plans and I dread them. I always dread them.

What’s my problem? My friends want to spend time with me, and for some reason I hate it.

It’s not even the actual events. After I drag myself to these get-togethers, I invariably have a great time. I went out karaokeing on Friday and didn’t want to leave. Last night I played a game and watched a movie with my best friend. These are fun things and I always tell myself that next time I am not going to be so wretched about the whole thing.

It don’t work.
____________________________

I received a message from Lauren Gohde today telling me to update my Robot Hand Internet Web Site. If you enjoyed this post, you have Lauren Gohde to thank, and you should probably give her some flowers and some candy. If you did not enjoy this post and wish I had just stayed away from the Internet, you have Lauren Gohde to thank, and you should probably punch her in the bowels.

I would prefer you give her presents though, to be quite honest.

Tonight’s the night

100_1134
Originally uploaded by robothand

Happy Halloween, see.